A coworker had a poster on his wall that he would refer to when things got crazy in the office.

Not My Circus, Not My Monkeys.

We agreed that unless directly involved, staying out of “it” was the best course of action.

What a great slogan to keep in mind when the circus comes to town. And it will come, it always does.

Remember The Three Wise Monkeys? See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil? Confucian and Buddhist traditions teach that refusing to tolerate bad sights, words or gossip prevents bad thoughts and actions from taking root.

In Western culture, it describes someone who choses to turn a blind eye, or ignore wrongdoing out of cowardice, selfishness or a desire to avoid trouble.

Remember the expression “monkey see, monkey do” ? It’s a traditional saying that describes copying someone else’s actions without thinking about why. Or what the consequences might be.

Another interpretation highlights that children naturally mimic the habits and behaviours, both good and bad, of the adults around them.

What example are you setting?

Ever met a “flying monkey”?  

Maybe you’ve been one?

The term originates from the 1939 movie “The Wizard of Oz,” where the winged servants of the Wicked Witch carried out her orders without question. Likewise, when referencing narcissistic or abusive behaviour, flying monkeys do the bidding of the narcissist – defending them, spreading rumours and manipulating others. What the Term ‘Flying Monkeys’ Means When We Talk About Narcissism

Perhaps you’ve witnessed this in your life? The best example of flying monkeys on the world stage are the members of the US Administration who do the bidding of their narcissistic boss, Donald J. Trump.

Flying monkeys assume several roles:

• Spread lies and gossip about the target
• Help shape the narcissists distorted reality
• Attack and control the target of the abuse through intimidation or manipulation
• Enable abusive behaviour by defending, excusing or dismissing the toxic behaviour

People become flying monkeys for many reasons.

Narcissists often groom their flying monkeys from the beginning – testing the relationship between the flying monkey and the target. Flying monkeys are often people pleasers; they may have been coerced or manipulated by the narcissists themselves.

Or they could be in denial and lack the emotional intelligence to understand the harm they are participating in.  

People may be attracted to the confidence the narcissist projects as a way to curb their own anxiety. Codependent people like to feel needed and serving a narcissist gives purpose to their life.

Signs Someone Is a Flying Monkey

A few key tell-tale signs to look out for:

• They side with the narcissist no matter the situation or evidence presented to them.
• They spread gossip or rumors about you.
• They gaslight or manipulate you.
• They dismiss or trivialize your feelings.
• They relay information about you to help the narcissist harass you.

Even if you’ve gone “no contact” with a narcissist, they may send a Flying Monkey to carry guilt, chaos and narrative into your space. Three types of Flying Monkeys can emerge:

1. The Messenger – under the guise of peace but it’s actually bait
2. The Judge – shames you for choosing silence
3. The Spy – acts supportive but reports everything back

Their goal isn’t to reconnect. It’s to pull you back into the role you escaped from.

It’s a test of your empathy, your silence and your boundaries.

But your power lies in silence. Watch them expose themselves.

Dealing with a flying monkey can be difficult.

Boundaries are critical.

Avoid confrontation.

Get support from someone you trust or a trained professional

Document abuse and harassment should you need to involve the authorities.

Limit contact.

Protect your peace.

Dr. Ramani is an excellent resource if you are dealing with your own flying monkeys.

Your Turn 🌻

If someone knowingly helps a narcissist manipulate, smear or hurt you, are they just as accountable as the person behind it?

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