If you ask me, life is a series of push and pulls.
In relationships, in our workplace.
Knowing when to say “the thing” and when to stay silent.
Understanding when it’s worth the effort to keep pushing and when it’s time to step back.
It’s a skill, isn’t it?
This month marks my official transition to extended disability benefits. I’m no more at ease with the situation than when I first learned of my destiny.
Onward and upward.
I can finally see light at the end of a dark chapter and I’m eager to close this one.
Closure meant returning my government issued laptop and cellphone but return it to whom?
At my request, I made the drop off in an off-site location that felt a bit like I was doing something illegal. In case you are wondering why it happened this way, my HR Department never responded to my email. The trauma from how I was treated through this experience is very fresh and I couldn’t waste anymore time on it – I made alternate plans. I needed closure.
Anyone that’s experienced something as significant as a severe burnout recognizes life handed them a life boat and an opportunity. It’s a chance to re-evaluate and do things differently. At least that’s how I view it.
Severe burnout doesn’t happen overnight. It creeps up slowly until the exhaustion and overwhelm becomes so great that surrender is the only option. I know the signs now; I know what to watch for.
For the last two plus years, I’ve tempered my overactive mind that tells me I should or could versus the reality of what I was capable of. Out of necessity, I kept life simple. I didn’t push myself too hard on anything.
I excel at organization but when your mind and body are still recovering from deep fatigue? Sorting and classifying information doesn’t come as easy as it once did.
So with trepidation I entered the daunting task of cleaning out my family home.
I know I am walking a tightrope and it scares me. I’ve come too far to relapse – it’s a place I simply can’t return.
Unfortunately, we don’t always choose the situations we find ourselves in.
If you’ve been following along with the short videos I post on YouTube https://www.youtube.com/@lorisinclair9696, you’ll know Chris and I have been labouring intensely to prepare the home for sale.
Have I been pushing myself too hard? Maybe? I haven’t figured out the sweet spot yet.
Overwhelm is a major symptom of burnout – even the simplest of tasks can feel impossible. It’s hard to know what part of the house to dig into next. There are a lot of moving parts, working around schedules and availability, selecting and transporting renovation supplies to the house, cleaning, clearing, and preparing a few areas for painting.
When the overwhelm creeps in, and trust me, it’s roaring right now, I cope by breaking tasks into manageable bits. I set realistic goals of what I can accomplish. I always have a few goals in mind because as we know, life rarely goes according to plan.
For several weeks, I’ve been making quick decisions – toss, recycle or save – about paperwork, photos and household items. This may have caught up with me. I woke up on Monday with that familiar feeling – a brain that felt full and very tired.
My body’s signal it was time for a break.
All the while, I’m fighting my own internal dialogue – the one that desperately needs to see another difficult chapter end. Seven years is a long time to carry expenses on the house I grew up in and have had no access to. I pleaded with the Universe for this day to come and now it’s finally here.
In hindsight, I wouldn’t have been strong enough to deal with all that this entails earlier so it probably worked out for the best.
Of course I want to keep pushing. Who wouldn’t want to be rid of such a stressful situation?
So I continue to walk the tightrope – pushing hard when I can but recognizing the need for rest as well.
Aren’t we all just pushing and pulling?
The world is so unsettled these days. Many of us are remembering simpler times. This song certainly takes me back…
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