“The connections between and among women are the most feared, the most problematic, and the most potentially transforming force on the planet” – Adrienne Rich

I got my Covid vaccination last week and in a brave move, it was near my former place of work. Yes “former”. I won’t be going back. I’ve been worried that somehow if my employer found that out, it would cause trouble.  The fact is, my insurance provider already knows, and has for a while, and they could care less where I work so long as I’m off the program.

Sorry, I got sidetracked again.  As the paperwork for my vaccination was being processed, I saw a woman I used to work with quite closely.  Now, we aren’t close by any stretch – she is what I observe as the walking unconscious – trapped in a job she probably hates, and is unable to feel, express, etc.  She would be very aware of my situation because my sudden departure in March would have left a big void in her work if only temporarily. You would think she would have rushed over to ask if I’m okay or how I’m doing. Instead, I got a sneer and an icy hello, her attempt to make me feel uncomfortable.

The joke is on her. I could care less what her opinion of me is. I’m sure she ran back to her desk and told everyone that she saw me.  I’m speculating but she could have made snide remarks about how I “looked” fine, that I was “milking” the system, etc.  She wasn’t the first female co-worker who tried to make me feel like my burnout wasn’t real.  Their opinion isn’t my concern,  but I hope they never experience burnout firsthand. It’s not for the faint of heart.

Lately, it’s become obvious to me that when women are focused on doing good, amazing things happen.  But when they aren’t ……

Those U.S. election results. Uugh. What the heck is that about?  I was confidently telling friends who were anxious leading up to Tuesday’s vote  that there was nothing to worry about.  Surely women were going to band together and vote Democrat in huge waves.  How could they not when so many of our hard earned rights and freedoms are at risk of being removed by one stroke of the pen from Donald Trump?

As I watched the coverage, and reporters spoke of female voters saying they just couldn’t support a female in the White House, I was stunned.  So you’d prefer to elect a known felon, a man who has promised to strip away every right when it comes to female reproduction?  A man who gleefully separated mothers and children in detention camps and threatens to deport millions of immigrants?  A man who has stacked the Supreme Court with his cult followers? Wow. 

I’ll never understand how any woman can get behind any populist leader including Trump or Pollievre in Canada.  If you’re doing your homework – and as a voter, you have a responsibility to not only vote but to research each candidate before you do –  you surely wouldn’t lend support to a man who would love to take away all your rights and the rights of every other minority –rights that thousands before you have clawed, scraped and pushed so hard for.

It turns out I was wrong.

Now, I’m not going to lie. There are female leaders in workplaces and in politics who aren’t good people and certainly don’t have the best interest of their institutions at heart. I’ve worked for, and with, some horrendous female “leaders”. My guess, and it’s only a guess, is that their struggle with the “establishment” fighting uphill against misogyny daily made them bitter and angry. And instead of using their experience to enable other women, they turn on them or at least refused to support them in their own climb.  How sick is that?

On Halloween night, our final trick or treaters was a lovely group of young ladies.  Most were in their teens, save for one who appeared to be much younger.  All were very polite, only took a token treat. One refused any treats because “she doesn’t like sugar and just likes dressing up”.  How sweet is that?

What struck me about this crowd, beyond their courtesy  and willingness to hang around and chat with us, was that they had taken this younger girl into their nest.  They were protecting her, teaching her (not necessarily with words) how to treat other women.  It made my heart sing.

My ongoing battle with Long Term Disability has made me frantic and I have been scrambling to figure out what comes next. I’m pretty sure it will involve retraining of some kind – not sure what that looks like yet – but I know I’ll need more education. With burnout brain, and some anxiety about returning to school in my 50’s, I attended a Zoom intro session from an institution of higher learning.

I’m not going to mince words:  The moderator was a crusty, pompous female senior with no interest or enthusiasm in what she was trying to “sell”.  She used acronyms and rambled on. Again, only a hunch, but I’d venture that the institution that is so rigid and structured in outdated systems and procedures has probably worn her down.  Still it’s on her as an individual to recognize that it’s time for a change and make room for a younger replacement.

As my body continues to force me to rest, I still do a lot of reflection.  A lot of times, those thoughts come near or in water (taking a bath or shower for example).  Those difficult familial relationships I referred to over the last few weeks? All women! So what’s at play there?  I still don’t know. Jealousy? A need for power and control? Lack of empathy? A lack of self-awareness? It has made me think a lot.

I honestly hope I’ve entered a phase of my life where the competition and constant proving oneself between females has ended. I’m really grateful for all the amazing women I have in my life now.  These women have picked me up when I’ve fallen more times than I can count.  They’ve instinctively known the exact moment to send a text, send flowers, or drop by – always having exactly the right words, sometimes tough love, but always what I need in that moment. They are warriors, or my Tribe, as I like to call them.  Maybe Tribe is a bad choice of words. The world is too tribal these days. Regardless, I’m so proud to have them as friends.

It wasn’t always this way.  For years and with good reason, I was happy to befriend the males in my place of work.  Most men are genuine, what you see is what you get and the conversations were simple and straightforward.  No hidden agendas, etc.  I’ve felt the shun of not having my own children like I was less of a woman, or selfish because I chose a career over child-bearing.    Recently, I was accused of hating children.  No doubt, there’s lots of reasons why I never had kids. Perhaps my own childhood experiences made me realize I didn’t want to carry the trauma to the next generation.  Hating children was never a reason. I’d be remiss if I failed to mention that it’s really not wise to ask about children. I know someone that has tried to conceive for so long.  She’s a bright light in this world but those questions have to hurt.  Think before you comment.

This may have seemed like a rage fest of sorts and I guess it was. However, I write this to illustrate how powerful women can be when they put their mind to something.  Women are after all “the doers” that make most stuff happen in this world – good or bad.  Imagine though, if we harnessed that magic power into changing the world; into working as a collective to heal this sick and wounded planet and its people.  I believe it can happen but we as women have to leave our egos, our pain and insecurities, our cattiness, our limiting beliefs like cynicism and apathy at the door.  Are you willing to do that?  I am.  Together, we could be unstoppable. But we need to be together, supporting one another.  The American election and some of my personal experiences I’ve outlined here, demonstrate we have a long way to go.

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