A warning: this post deals with suicide

Before I could move forward, I had to take a hard look at why I resisted acknowledging my burnout and for so long. And why was I so ashamed to tell people? For the first several weeks of being off work, I didn’t tell anyone and I actually hid in my home. I think I was embarrassed that I wasn’t strong enough to work through this.

What was particularly shocking to me was that I had experienced firsthand the impact of depression. My beloved father died by suicide decades earlier.

How could I possibly judge myself so harshly when I had championed at every opportunity the importance of “breaking the stigma” and normalizing mental health? Through tears, I remembered my father who had bravely acknowledged his pain and sought help in the 1980’s.

I’ll never forget the day I lost him. I was 15 years old. He had suffered bouts of depression throughout his life and had recently been released from hospital treatment despite advising of his intentions to end his life if he was discharged. In his darkness, he truly believed our family would be better off without him.

I remember our last hour together. I was attending high school and he picked me up for lunch. We ate together and I headed back to class. Little did I know this was my forever good-bye. I still get a lump in my throat as I think about it.

As I made the 15 minute walk to my high school in the small village I grew up in, I remember hearing the ambulance siren and a chill went up my spine. I would soon learn that my life would be forever changed. My father was gone.

The aftermath of that tragedy was profound both at the time and even now, some 40 years later. Being a survivor of suicide is a grief like no other. There’s complicated feelings of loss, sadness, loneliness, along with guilt, confusion, shame, anger. Let’s not forget the harmful effects of stigma and trauma.

People treated me differently after his death. I’m sure some were good intentioned, they just didn’t know what to do. But for a 15 year old processing such an horrific event, it was an isolating time. The religious stigma was particularly painful. It was only through therapy a few decades later that I was able to make peace with my great loss.

You might ask why it took me twenty years to seek counseling. There was a variety of reasons, I suppose. There really weren’t many supports available in the late 1980’s, at least none that I was aware of. And once again, I thought you just pushed through grief and all would be fine. Like most emotions, when you bottle them up, they eventually find a way to the surface and must be addressed. It was freeing to finally rid myself of some of those complex feelings surrounding Dad’s death.

So, back to me and my present day struggle with anxiety. According to Statistics Canada, “1 in 5 adults reported moderate to severe symptoms of depression, anxiety or PTSD in the fall of 2020. This figure increased to 1 in 4 by early 2021 and remained the same in 2023”. Statistics don’t lie. Depression and anxiety are more common than we’d like to admit. We really need to let go of the notion that mental health issues are a sign of “weakness” or that it’s “selfish”.

I guess deep down I realized that for all the lip service we pay to mental health awareness, have we really come that far? There is so much more work to be done. I’m hoping that by sharing my story, my discomfort with being human, I will pave the way for someone else to seek the help they need and deserve.

The following mental wellness resources are available in Canada free of charge:

9-8-8: Suicide Crisis Helpline

Call or text 9-8-8 for free access to suicide prevention support for people in Canada 24/7/365

Wellness Together Canada

Toll-free: 1-866-585-0445

Text WELLNESS to:

686868 for youth

741741 for adults

Have you lost someone to suicide? How did you deal with the stigma? Do you have suggestions for dealing with the loss?

I’d love to hear from you. Please comment on any articles that you find meaningful. Or send me an email . I promise to read and respond to every note.

Follow along with me on Facebook. Share the articles you love with your Facebook friends.

Thanks for reading Disentanglement! Be the first to receive new posts by becoming a member in community. It’s free!